This morning, there was a huge storm right above my house.  I'm not sure what woke me up, whether it was my dog's trembling shaking the bed, his frantic barking, or the storm itself.  I was absolutely exhausted, so I just waved him away and rolled over, ready to fall back asleep.  Then I remembered that today was Dan's last day here, which woke me the fuck up pretty fast.  I went downstairs into the basement and slipped into his bed with him to wake him up, as I do most mornings.  I laid there with him for a little while, and then we went upstairs.  We ended up snuggled on the couch for a long time, talking and kissing.  He kissed me so sweetly and softly that it actually brought tears to my eyes; it reminded me that he would be leaving me in just a few short hours.  We wished we had a few hours to be truly alone before he left.  I ended up falling asleep with him, my head on his shoulder and his arm around my back.  Not a bad way to nap, methinks.  We woke up and ended up going to the mall to get our iPods engraved.  Hilarity, imo, even though the people who did the engravings sucked badly.  We went home and finished packing and all, and had a quick lunch.  All too soon, it was time to go.  I sat next to him in the car, of course, and started crying pretty quickly.  I hugged him and kissed him and he told me how much he loved me, and brushed away my tears.  When we got to the airport, we checked his bag, and then played some arcade games to distract ourselves for a little bit.  Galaga ftw, that newfag racing game ftl.  We walked around for a little bit, eyes tearing the whole time of course.  Every minute or so, we would look over at each other and hug, or kiss, or wipe away a tear.

Now let me say that I've been fairly depressed for a while; every emotion that I've felt for the past two months has been fleeting and has merely scratched the surface.  When my mother told us it was time to walk to security, I felt a wave of sadness in the very core of my being, to the depths of my soul, I would say, if I believed in such things.  I stayed close to him for as long as I could.  We cried and said "I love you", and eventually I had to walk away and leave him at security.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

It felt like I left a piece of myself at that airport, like a piece of myself was missing.  I think I now know what it feels like to have a broken heart; to truly know what it feels like.  It felt like my heart had been split in two, like my entire being had been ripped in half.  As I walked to the car, and as I drove home, I was excrutiatingly aware that I was moving further and further away from him.  I couldn't stop crying, and eventually I turned on my iPod in an attempt to distract myself, but of course I only listened to songs that made me cry harder.  "Hey There Delilah," "Vindicated," "Chasing Cars," "You're All That I Have," etc.

My mother just interrupted my writing to attempt and start a fight with me, which reminds me that she's been trying to do that all day.  Including when I was crying on Dan's shoulder at the airport, and when I got home and was crying on the couch.  I believe I called her the most selfish person on the planet.

Anyway, after I got home, I started crying all over again, after having finally calmed down in the car.  I saw the shirt he left me on my couch, and smelled his cologne in the air, and the despair was so sudden and strong that I was actually dizzy.  Soon after I arrived home, however, I began to distract myself by reading and talking to random people online.  His entire trip seems totally unreal to me, every memory has taken on a dream-like quality.  Though it was dream-like when it was in the present, too.  Neither of us really understood what was happening, I don't think.

Overall, though, I think that him going home is a good thing, though of course I'd love for him to live with me forever.  However, I think it'll be good for us to have some time to process what has happened, and really and truly talk about everything.  I don't think we realised how hard it would be to talk in person.  We were getting there, but it's so much easier not to talk in real life than it is online.  

He has been away from me for four hours, and I already miss him so much that it's nearly unbearable.  I can't wait until he gets home so we can talk, I think we'll both be feeling better by then, or at least, we'll both have dealt with the shock that is turning and realising that the other isn't there.

Here's an excerpt from one of the songs that I mentioned earlier.

"Strain this chaos, turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

You're cinematic, razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

Just give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear, 'cause you are all that I have"

I love you, Dan.  I miss your scent, your smile.  I miss the feel of your lips on my forehead, my shoulder, my chin, my cheek, my nose, my neck, my lips.  I miss the warmth of your skin, and the feel of your arms wrapped around me.  I miss the way your mouth tastes.  I miss the sound of your voice, and the feeling of your breath at my ear.  I miss my love, my one and only, my very best friend.

I can't wait until you get home, and I can't wait until we can talk about everything that's happened.  But more than everything, of course:

I can't wait to see you again.








DSFARGEG
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